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Welcome back to another edition of “The Dystopeka Dispatch,” where we lovingly roast the week’s happenings in Kansas’s capital city—because if we didn’t laugh, we’d be crying into our $4.71 gas station coffee while dodging construction cones and existential dread.
Highway 24: The Neverending Lane Closure Saga
In a bold move to test Topekans’ patience and brake pads, the Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) announced yet another round of lane closures on Highway 24. Starting August 5, the right lane of westbound Highway 24 between Kansas Avenue and Topeka Boulevard was closed for pipe installation. But wait—there’s more! The inside lanes will remain closed for six weeks, followed by the outside lanes. Because why inconvenience drivers once when you can do it in phases?
If Dante had lived in Topeka, the seventh circle of hell would’ve been a detour on Highway 24. Read the full traffic torment
Measles: Kansas Is Winning (For Now)
In a rare moment of triumph, Kansas reported zero new measles cases for the third week in a row. That’s right—no outbreaks, no quarantines, no panicked PTA meetings. But before you break out the celebratory Purell, remember: the national count is still climbing, and Kansas is only halfway through the 42-day “outbreak-free” probation period.
Health officials are urging parents to vaccinate their kids before school starts, which is adorable considering last year’s kindergarten vaccination rates dropped like a bad TikTok dance. Gray County fell from 76% to 66%, and Stevens County from 98% to 83%. Read the full immunization optimism
Gas Prices: Still Cheaper Than Therapy
Topeka’s gas prices are holding steady, which is great news for anyone who enjoys driving aimlessly to escape their responsibilities. According to AAA, prices are lower than California’s but still high enough to make you reconsider that spontaneous road trip to Emporia.
Fun fact: Lihue, Hawaii tops the national chart at $5.01 per gallon. So next time you’re stuck in traffic on Highway 24, just remember—it could be worse. You could be paying five bucks to sit in paradise. See the full gas price breakdown
Cold Case, Lukewarm Effort
In a story that’s equal parts heartbreaking and infuriating, Topeka mom Vicki Lancaster is still waiting for answers 25 years after her daughter Jennifer and two granddaughters vanished. The latest twist? A woman in Canada claiming to be Monique Smith (one of the missing children) surfaced on TikTok, alleging abduction and exploitation.
The Crime Junkie podcast got involved, ran a DNA test, and found no match. Meanwhile, the Topeka Police Department and Kansas Bureau of Investigation have yet to comment or act on the official samples sent in June. Vicki summed it up best: “The Topeka Police Department basically did nothing.” Read the full cold case saga
City Hall: Revolving Doors and Resignations
Another week, another resignation. This time it’s the city attorney, who stepped down amid calls for her removal. No word yet on whether the resignation was voluntary or the result of Topeka’s patented “passive-aggressive pressure cooker” politics.
Meanwhile, Topeka’s District 1 race continues to heat up, with candidates offering bold visions like “fix the roads” and “listen to constituents”—radical stuff. See who’s left in the race
Washburn Tech Settles ADA Lawsuit
Washburn Tech reached a settlement in an ADA lawsuit, proving once again that accessibility is a right, not a suggestion. Details are scarce, but the message is clear: if your campus isn’t inclusive, expect legal paperwork with your cafeteria tray. 📎 Read more local headlines
Grave Robberies and Ghosts of Bureaucracy
In a plot twist worthy of a Netflix docuseries, Topeka saw grave robberies and a U.S. marshal killing detailed in local reports. If you thought your week was bad, at least you weren’t digging up skeletons—literally or metaphorically. Explore the macabre
Cultural Events: Multicultural Festival Returns
Junction City hosted its multicultural festival again, reminding Topekans that diversity exists—just not always in their city council meetings. The event featured food, music, and dancing, which is more than we can say for most Topeka block parties. Celebrate the return
Local Rapper Performs at Senior Center
In a heartwarming crossover episode, a Topeka rapper performed at a local senior center. Residents reportedly enjoyed the beats, though one attendee asked if “Lil Medicare” was a real artist. Catch the performance
Construction Chaos Continues
Big plans are underway for Huntoon Street, because apparently Topeka’s motto is “If it ain’t broke, tear it up anyway.” Between Highway 24, I-70 closures, and Huntoon’s makeover, it’s a miracle anyone gets to work without a GPS, a prayer, and a sacrificial offering to the traffic gods. Track the chaos
THC Drinks Still Flowing
Despite legal gray areas, a local liquor store continues selling THC-infused drinks. Because nothing says “Kansas values” like getting buzzed off a bottle labeled “Relaxation Lemonade.” Read the buzz
Vet Salute: “I Served My Country”
In a rare moment of sincerity, a local veteran was honored for his service. “My biggest thing was I served my country,” he said. A reminder that beneath the satire, real people are doing real things—and deserve real respect. Honor the vet
Final Thought: Dystopeka Forever
Topeka remains a city of contradictions: earnest efforts buried under bureaucratic inertia, cultural vibrancy dimmed by construction dust, and a population that keeps showing up—despite it all. Whether you’re dodging cones, chasing cold cases, or sipping THC lemonade, just remember: you’re living in Dystopeka, where the absurd is policy and the satire writes itself.
Until next week, stay hydrated, stay skeptical, and for the love of Kansas—check your vaccination records.
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